Category Archives: Strange Human Conditions

One For The Ages

by funklord

So it looks like I’m slipping.  This is one of my favorite subjects to follow, I have been following for years, and I totally blew it.  Dina Manfredini, the worlds oldest person, died in her sleep on December 17th, at the ripe old age of 115.  She held the title for 13 days, having been declared the world’s oldest person by Guinness on December 4th with the passing of Besse Cooper.  Dina’s passing not only hands the mantel over to a non-US citizen for the first time in years, but has ignited a firestorm of cinematic proportions.

China Vs. Japan.  The conflicts these two countries have produced are legendary, but it can be argued that none is older than this one. Japan’s Jiroemon Kimura is officially the world’s oldest person (and man) according to Guinness, BUT Chinese agencies are reporting (and we all know how reliable those are) that Luo Meizhen is the champion with a birth date in 1885, making her 127 years old.  If this is true, she would be the oldest person to EVER have lived (since records of this sort have been kept) besting a french woman at 122 years of age.

What i think is funny is that over the past few years the title has changed very often, given the fragile state of people in this advanced stage of life, and China has said NOTHING.  The last time was a mere 13 days ago!  But when a Japanese person claims the championship, then China suddenly speaks up.  Seems suspiciously timed.

One of the articles I read said that they don’t know how aggressively China is going to fight this, but that Japan should be careful.  I would like to second that, given the dire situation of the Fukishima plant, and the massive empty cities China has at the ready.

What are the consequences of one man farting?

by funklord

Apparently an embarrassing letter in your permanent file (up to one year).  This is the kind of story that the FFP was built for.  A Social Security Administration worker was formally reprimanded but his superiors for “excessive flatulence”.  I have no idea who tips off The Smoking Gun with these juicy government tidbits, but thank god for it.  I really can’t top what they wrote, they kind of hit all the classic fart notes.

What I will say is that I hate this guy.  Worst Cube-mate ever.  I would LOVE to be able to fart at work, without any sort of shame or self-consciousness.  That is like a Zen place.  “Break the wind that rustles the leaves, and blows over the oceans”.  Let me tell you a true story that scarred me for life:

Philosophy class.  Freshman year of college, year unimportant.  About half-way through the semester, at least I think, since I had a level of comfort, (almost said comfart) that only comes with repeated exposure to a useless college credit.  Lil Funk was sitting in the front row, and I remember this because there were 3 cute girls sitting right behind me.  With a 101 class entitled “Intro to Philosophy”, as a professor you can pretty much teach whatever you want.  This lunatic was no exception.  Needless to say, I was more often bored than engaged.  I should also mention that this kook had to be in his late 60’s, had “The Einstein”, and always wore florescent green wrestling shoes with a suit.  Thank GOD (if there is one.  After that class I always get confused what I believe) that look didn’t catch on.  That’s the scene.

So as to be expected, I start dozing off a little.  I had this way of holding my head so I looked like I was paying attention, but let me be clear, I was not.  I settle into a comfortable nap, my muscles relax, and it’s off to dreamland for the next 45 minutes.  Or so I thought.  Apparently I had a bullet in the chamber, and I relaxed just a taaaaad too much.  *FRRRRUUUUUPPPP*  I f%$^#ing farted in class.  Let me repeat:  I F%$^#ing FARTED IN CLASS.  This was like a neon sign, a self-aware siren that was screaming in my skull.  Here is the amazing thing:  I was immediately awake.  Like I shifted from a sound slumber to “Holy crap why is there a dead body in my living room” stone cold  sober in .0022 seconds (approximately).  My brain panicked, and I was in Damage Control mode.  What could I do?  Everyone in the room had heard it.  The sound reverberated off the walls for what felt hours, and the giggling, OH THE GIGGLING!  I can’t get the satisfied sounds of those cackling crones out of my head.  They just laughed and laughed, apparently not sensitive to the fact that my face was so red, the Prof thought I was severely intoxicated.  At that moment I was not.  At that moment…..I was not.  I knew couldn’t very well kill EVERYONE in class.  Plus the incriminating odor was growing exponentially by the second, with the potential to not only curl hair and peel paint, but to forever tarnish reputations.  So I did what any freshman would do in my situation:  I pretended it was someone else.  I looked over at the person next to me and gave a disgusted “Can you believe this friggin’ guy?” look.  I  even pulled my shirt over my nose and fanned the air for emphasis.

No one bought it.

So in closing, I would like to say that I hate this SSA worker, because he is all the things I am not.  I hate him, but I admire him as well.

Oh and Sir, you might want to be careful who you piss off.  You do know your upper management are in possession of 174k rounds of Hollow point bullets right?  Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust sayin’.

The Well Dressed Monkea

by funklord

This story is about a monkey, in a stylish coat and a diaper, who got loose in an Ikea store in Ontario.  It wasn’t specified, but I do not believe he purchased the coat there.  I don’t really have a lot to say, other than I didn’t think I would hear the term “Well Dressed” and “Dapper” applied to any monkey other than Lancelot Link Secret Chimp (Look it up under 30 crowd.  It’s a perfect reference).  The chimp is fine, but it is still up in the air if the original owners will get the monkey back.  It’s an illegal pet in Ontario.

Age Ain’t Nuthin’ But a Number – In Memory Of

by funklord

While I have been personally following the world oldest people for years, the FFP first reported Besse Cooper as the world’s oldest person way back in August.  She was born in Tennessee in 1896 and moved to Georgia in WWI.  World War One.  The Red Baron, 19-teens, 100 YEARS AGO!  Her life stretched across three centuries.  I think I find this so interesting because she was alive for every major event you could possibly think of.  30 years removed from The Civil War.  30 years!  The sheer volume of first hand knowledge this person had with them is staggering. It is also so depressingly fragile.  She had a stomach flu but got her hair done anyway.  Afterwards she had trouble breathing, and was dead hours later.

If I was to pinpoint the genesis for the decline of culture in the US, I think it starts with our absolute obsession with youth, and the complete dismissal of the elderly.  The circle of life was meant to close with review.  Lessons, traditions, stories of times gone by.  Things we could look at as our foundation, to take the good and improve on the bad.  They made the mistakes, and their job is to make sure the youngest generation does not make those same goofs.

Seniors aren’t useless, they are vital.  Although I never met Besse, I am confident she was a national treasure.

In her place lies another American, NOW world’s oldest person 115-year-old Dina Manfredini of Iowa.

The Grungy Gang Part Two – Scamburglars

by funklord

For you regular readers on the FFP, you are aware that I just posted a story about an all female crime gang.  This post was originally in the form of a very dismissive Hollywood Pitch, but I am starting to come around on my own idea.  I originally saw this story as a drama, or a Movie of the Week (HI LIFETIME!), but that vision has changed.  I now see this as a hilarious caper film, where four hot aspiring criminals bungle every heist they pull off.

Take this story about 3 guys in Garland Texas who literally run into a store, grabbed 3 displays of watches, and run out the front door.  In the span of 13 seconds, they get 80 watches nabbing 19k in the process.  That’s the WHOLE story!  My math indicates that’s 1500 dollars a second!  And these idiots have completely baffled police.  They dont have leads, or even know what kind of car they were driving. This reminds me of the scene in The Big Lebowski where Walter tells The Dude that in order to get the ransom money back he is going to “Chase them down and beat it out of them” to which The Dude replies sarcastically  “That’s fucking ingenious if I understand it correctly”.  Then Walter quite eloquently retorts “The beauty of this is in it’s simplicity.  Once a plan gets too complex everything can go wrong”.   I always though this was hysterical because it was so stupid, then these three guys come along and execute that plan flawlessly.

You can watch the 13 second security cam footage where you clearly see a very large gentleman and his two buddies, run in and scamper out.  It’s REALLY funny.  Remember, I don’t use all caps unless I mean it.  You ever see a fat dude IN JEANS running out of a store with 50 lbs of gold in his arms?  Its life altering.  Insert Melissa McCarthy, Anna Faris, Wanda Sykes (you need a black one, and I have to reluctantly admit she’s hilarious) and the lovably goofy Kristen Schaal.  I’m totally serious.  Like seriously serious.  E-mail if you want to discuss funklord@funkfreedompress.com