Category Archives: Strange Human Conditions

Geriatric Gigolo

by funklord

If you live to see it, 96 is the age where you finally become a great grandfather, not a great father.  In India, there is a 96 year old man who just fathered a baby.  This is incredible for several reasons that I shall list below, since that is my MO:

1.  He is 96 six and still getting laid.  That is how babies are made.  His skills as a mack have yet to fade.

2.  Peta is using him as their poster child for all things virile.  Apparently he is a life long vegetarian, and is attributing the strength of HIS meat to the lack of ingesting it.

1.  This goofy looking dude is getting laid at 96!  Where does he find the stamina?  And he scoffs at Viagra.  This guy is like the Dos Equis “most interesting man in the world”.

3.  96?  You sure he’s not 69?  Right?  All the college kids know what I’m talking about.   You ever wonder why it’s called “69”ing and not “bq”ing?  I guess that’s too close to BBQ.  No one wants a sex act that reminds them of charred dead animal flesh.  I would rather “96” someone anyway.  Back to back so I can get some sleep.  Who needs the rigors of sex anyway?  I have to go to work in the morning.

Uh oh, maybe I should become a vegetarian.

Never pee in the wind (in Piedmont, Oklahoma)

by funklord

In Piedmont Oklahoma (pronounced Peed Mont.  It will be funny later), a 3 year old “In Potty Training” was outside playing, as kids of that age do.  He has to take a whiz, but unfortunately he hasn’t quite nailed down the process.  He can’t make it to a toilet, but luckily he is outside, so his mom tells him to let er fly.  What the mom didn’t know was that Officer a-hole was on patrol, keeping things safe.  Nothing ruins a nice quiet neighborhood like a toddler peeing outside.  This guy does the right thing, and fines the kid 1,000 dollars for every year he’s been on this earth (around 3 grand).  Public Urination.  The officer did cut the kid a break, and didn’t slap the cuffs on him.  His mom was there for crissakes.

Oh did I mention they were on their own property?  They were on their own property.

Full Story Here

Zombie Apocalypse: Day 152 *Ghoul edition*

by funklord

Okay, this is getting CRAZY!  I have no idea why these stories are coming out before Halloween, but this one is the most bizarre thus far.  It has some of the hallmarks I mentioned earlier.

1.  It involves a police officer –

A NYPD officer, Gilberto Valle, led a crazy double life as an honest to God ghoul.  Wife, kid, Bulldog puppy, this guy was like a 50’s American stereotype…from a David Lynch film.  Turns out he had plans to kidnap, drug, and eat 100 women.  His wife found the records/blueprints on his computer.  I am shocked he didn’t eat her.

2.  Drug induced rage –

This part is not EXACTLY like the others, in that he himself was not on drugs (or so I don’t think).  Instead his plan was to drug women, put them in the oven, slow cook them, and/or sell the extras.  He had plans to sell his second victim to an unnamed buyer for 5 large (5 thousand dollars).

3.  Naked –

All the women were to be slow-cooked, naked obviously, and kept alive as long as possible.

4.  Eating people/animals

Oh, right, this one.  A NYPD POLICE OFFICER WAS PLANNING ON KIDNAPPING VARIOUS WOMEN, COOKING THEM, AND EATING THEM!

Seriously, what is happening to society?  This is weird right?  I am not the only person who thinks this is totally scary am I?  Anyone?

Children raised by________

by funklord

I had no idea this was a real thing, but apparently babies can be raised by wolves, goats, and in this one case monkeys.  This article talks about 6 people who when abandoned by humans, were adopted by other species.  It seems horrible for the kids involved, but in truth they didn’t know any different.  It’s amazing how mothers are mothers, no matter if they are people, goats, rats, monkeys, dogs, etc.  It is really touching, to me at least, to see that love and caring are truly universal.  While most humans act above nature, the other 99.99% of the life on this planet proves them wrong every time.

Dogs: Enemy # 1

by funklord

This article is so stupid.  It tries to sound alarmist, explaining that letting your dog kiss you is bad for both of you because it spreads germs that cause plaque.  No s#&!  Those germs are everywhere.  You think that people without dogs wake up with fresh breath after brushing the night before?  NO!  You are going to get this crap no matter what.  That’s how the world works.  I didn’t set up that system, but to claim that dogs are harmful for that reason is ludicrous.  Say it’s because they lick their butts then your face, say it’s because they eat off the floor for a living, tie it to their constant crotch sniffing/tasting.  THis person should not be allowed to write another “news” article again.  Can you take away someone’s journalistic credentials?  I want to start that process.