Category Archives: Viruses, bacteria, plagues, disease

The 2013 Flu? BOOO!

by funklord

We are a week into the new year, and it looks like my it’s time for a new Disease Countdown (as well as a conspiracy Theory).

The 2013 OFFICIAL Disease Countdown

1.  The 2012-2013 Flu

Yes the Flu ladies and gentleman.  You remember the Swine Flu of seasons past?  The one that was so bad that nothing happened?  Every (smart) person said that more people die each year from the regular Flu?  Then they made a new vaccine (that didn’t work) and fearing for their lives, everyone took it?  Yeah well it turns out the regular Flu is one Bad Mutha (shut yo mouth…when you cough), and worse than any of the predictions for Swine Flu.

3,000 people hospitalized, and 18 kids dead in the last 3 months.  They have pushed this Flu Shot more than any other season.  Why?  And I don’t even understand the concept of a Flu Shot.  When I was a kid, I remember that people taking Flu shots was rare.  Usually it was kids and the elderly, or those with weak immune systems.  In the past 5 years it is now almost mandatory (socially) to take one of these things with a lot of companies shouldering the financial burden for their employees. The shot also available in every drugstore.  Did you know that the Flu shot is the ONLY shot in America that contains BOTH Mercury and Formaldehyde?  For what?  These “preservatives” don’t make it last longer.

This I do not understand either:  apparently 127 MILLION doses were distributed this season, from 15 million produced.  How does that math make sense?!  Are they watering these things down (with Mercury derivatives and Formaldehyde)?  127 MILLION people vaccinated is about 40% of the entire US population, and yet this is one of the worst seasons in the past decade according to the CDC?  25% of the people infected too the vaccine?  That doesn’t seem like a great success rate.

You know what is a great Flu preventative?  Washing our hands and maintaining your personal immune system:  Lots of sleep, fruits and vegetables, and limited stress.

-Dr. Funk Lourd

The *Almost* Zombie Apocalypse: The Plague Ship Part 2 – It happened again!

by funklord

You might remember the original article about a contaminated crew ship, and it looks like it happened again.  On The Queen Mary 2, several people came down with what the experts are saying is a Norovirus, which has come on strong this flu season.  Hundreds of passengers fell sick.  Most simply self-quarantined, and basically shat their 4,700 dollar ticket far down the toilet.

I think my list requires a serious update:

1.  Pertussis – “Whooping Cough”
2.  Fatal rash caused by staph infection
3.  “Flesh Eating Bacteria”, also a staph infection
4.  The Bubonic Plague
5.  Ebola
6.  Capnocytophaga – Woman lost hands and feet from dog saliva
7.  Untreatable Gonorrhea
8.  Kid died from a brain destroying ameoba, found in a lake
9.  West Nile Virus
10.  Hantavirus
11.  Rabies
12.  Typhus
13.  Legionnaires Disease
14.  New Jersey Superbug
15.  Popcorn Lung
16.  Saudi Arabian SARS
17.  Spinal Meningitis (Caused by fungus)
18.  Brain Eating Amoebas (in Pakistan)
19.  San Quentin Chicken Pox
20.  The Far Rockaway Cough, and the various NY Sandy related diseases
21.  The Excessive Norovirus

This is a pretty intense list for 5 months of serious tracking, and there are still 2 more days left in this year!

This Week in Genitalia (protection): The Case of the Disappearing Condom

by funklord

We have finally beaten the Russians to technology that really matters to the everyday man:  The Dissolving Condom.  How great is this?  A condom that dissolves.  It’s the real deal, not like those edible panties made out of Fruit Roll-ups (not to be confused with Huggies Pull-ups.  For the love of God, don’t eat those).  You literally have to wear a condom for like 5 seconds, it just goes away, melts off your wiener, and you can have sex for an additional (on average) 5 seconds.  PLUS you get STD and pregnancy protection.  No this is not the year 3021 (I don’t think), this is right now!

In theory I am all about this.  Totally on board.  You had me at dissolving.  I think this is the greatest medical break-thru in dissolving “medicine” since EmergenC (which everyone knows was built on the industry defining molecular architecture of the Alla-Seltzer Tabs).  Unfortunately I, as you may have gathered  from my posts, am a paranoid lunatic.  I can’t enjoy this prospect, not even for the 5 seconds it would take to finish.  If it is too good to be true it, without exception, is.  So when you tell The Funklord that he can enjoy carnal pleasure WITHOUT the need for traditional protection, (Que scratching record noise) my eyebrow goes up.  I want facts and figures.  I want medical charts that I have no chance of understanding, and I want an old white guy in an equally white lab coat explaining it to me.  I am just a traditionalist.

Oh and in closing, Ladies, don’t you DARE fall for the “dissolving condom” excuse.  Thousands of my male readers will be trying this move in the coming weeks, and I want you to be prepared.  The point of these daily messages is education and preparation.  Do not be fooled.

The *Almost* Zombie Apocalypse: The Plague Ship

by funklord

Holy crap!  The end of the world is nigh.  Now scary would this be?  A Carnival Cruise ship was contaminated with a Norovirus vomiting bug.  Estimates are 400 were sickened, although the official word s only 6.  Can you imagine this?  You want to get away but it takes the better part of a year to save up some extra cash.  “A cruise is cheap” you think, plus you can sail on the relaxing ocean and eat and drink all day.  Sounds like a paradise…until everyone starts dropping like flies, and vomiting everywhere.  If you are a paranoid lunatic like me, you are convinced some viral outbreak has been released on board, and it is only a matter of time before you are struck down.  The obvious choice?  To self-quarantine, and zombie movie caliber preparation.

There was a game released last year entitled “Dead Island”.  It is a beach resort that has been overrun by a zombie plague.  You play a character that in immune to this particular virus.  A sequel was just released.  The setting?  A cruise ship.  Yup.  My thoughts exactly.

I’m just giving you the dots.  It’s your job to connect them.

I’ve got some Sandy in my throat

by funklord

There is now a third reported illness that is afflicting the residents of Staten Island in the wake of Hurricane Sandy:  The Sandy Cough.  Despite its name, this is not a beach related sickness.  In fact, I think the news is running out of things to report on, and have literally just made this up out of thin air. Now don’t get me wrong, I think this is a real thing, caused by all the mold, debris, and microscopic bits or crap in the air.  I have relatives and friends in NY and I want to see them rebuild more than anything.  I am just saying that the NEWS people are totally fabricating stories.  This “Sandy Cough” is really just a rehash of the “Far Rockaway Cough” I reported on a few weeks ago.   Not just a rehash mind you, but they directly plagiarized themselves!  I don’t use exclamation marks unless I mean it.   How uncreative do you have to be?  I mean they couldn’t even find a sexy name to call it (Like the Hurricane Hack, the Staten Island Sibilate, or the Extreme Wind-Caused Wheeze).  Those are all Trademarked BTW.

In truth I think all of these respiratory diseases may have all derived from Popcorn Lung.  One more illness in NY and I will have to make a countdown list.