STD (Seniors Transmiting Disease) Update

What did I tell you!  Seniors are catching STD’s at a rapid rate, and here are the numbers.  I am only posting this because I just mentioned this phenomenon like a week ago.  I do not have an unhealthy fascination with the sexual practices and disease spreading of the elderly.  I do hope to catch that mental disorder, when I am in my 60’s though.

What I think is amazing,  is that in our youth obsessed culture, you can have a happy love life at the end of your life.  Thanks to technological advancements the retirement home is like college, now complete with all the risks of promiscuity.  This is a tale of hope!  Sex can continue long after God designed us to stop trying.

Come on, why does the CDC ruin EVERYTHING!

I know this is the night most people make Scorpios (do the math, it’s fun), but the CDC has to come along and ruin the fun.  Apparently they want you to refrain from sexual activity due to the overwhelmingly rampant STD epidemic going on!  Half are between 15 and 24, which makes sense, but you know what the other half is mostly?  You guessed it, the elderly!  Thanks to Viagra and Retirement homes, well you get the picture.  If you don’t, Taco Bell has a new marketing campaign to help with the visuals.

Either way, it’s going on the countdown.

The 2013 Disease Countdown

1.  The 2013 FLU season
2.  The Norovirus (Stomach Flu)
3.  Typhoid
4.  Saudi Arabian SARS (Technically started in 2012)
5.  Drug Resistant Tuberculosis
6.  Rampant STD’s (Various)

Dissecting the flirt (how romanitcal)

Today is Valentine’s Day, the day of flying babies whose job it is to get men and women together to make more (flying) babies.  I guess they also get men and men together, and sometimes women and women, but not necessarily with the intention of making babies.  These cherubs have no interest in getting dogs, cats, rabbits, or any other animal together, which seems very short sighted and speciesist, since they are capable of love as well.  I have gotten way off topic.

Flirting.  We all do it, no matter how awkwardly.  Even if we are married, or seeing someone, we are all guilty of an innocent flirt.  Why do we do it?  “To get laid” was my answer, but apparently that is not always true.  NIU Professor and sexual specialist David Henningsen, has been studying this topic for years.  It turns out we have several reasons for flirting:  to get laid (I was right), to test the waters with a current friend and possible potential mate, or even simply to build self-esteem or get something you want.

Check out the article.   You may be doing it (flirting, not sexual intercourse), and not even know it.

This Week in Genitalia (protection): The Case of the Disappearing Condom

We have finally beaten the Russians to technology that really matters to the everyday man:  The Dissolving Condom.  How great is this?  A condom that dissolves.  It’s the real deal, not like those edible panties made out of Fruit Roll-ups (not to be confused with Huggies Pull-ups.  For the love of God, don’t eat those).  You literally have to wear a condom for like 5 seconds, it just goes away, melts off your wiener, and you can have sex for an additional (on average) 5 seconds.  PLUS you get STD and pregnancy protection.  No this is not the year 3021 (I don’t think), this is right now!

In theory I am all about this.  Totally on board.  You had me at dissolving.  I think this is the greatest medical break-thru in dissolving “medicine” since EmergenC (which everyone knows was built on the industry defining molecular architecture of the Alla-Seltzer Tabs).  Unfortunately I, as you may have gathered  from my posts, am a paranoid lunatic.  I can’t enjoy this prospect, not even for the 5 seconds it would take to finish.  If it is too good to be true it, without exception, is.  So when you tell The Funklord that he can enjoy carnal pleasure WITHOUT the need for traditional protection, (Que scratching record noise) my eyebrow goes up.  I want facts and figures.  I want medical charts that I have no chance of understanding, and I want an old white guy in an equally white lab coat explaining it to me.  I am just a traditionalist.

Oh and in closing, Ladies, don’t you DARE fall for the “dissolving condom” excuse.  Thousands of my male readers will be trying this move in the coming weeks, and I want you to be prepared.  The point of these daily messages is education and preparation.  Do not be fooled.

This Week in Genitalia 2 – Live Uses For

This post is going to ride a thin line taste wise, so I will make my apologies now, and do my best to keep it classy.  In San Fransisco (where else?), there is a Porn company that is getting into the Sex Ed business with live demonstrations.  This has to be the single best idea in the history of mankind (slight hyperbole).  I don’t mean that in a pervy or lecherous way please don’t get me wrong, but business-wise, this is a brilliant move.  I am actually shocked this hasn’t been done before.  I know it crosses a line when you have people having sex in front of a crowd (depraved sex show VS Professor holding class.  I know we have all been in a police station explaining that one).

This is great for couples who want to step it up in the B-Room (hardware installation, mirror adjustment, or safe word selection), the ladies man who wants to learn a few new tricks (The Plum Juggler, the Five Finger Dismount, etc.), or the sheltered housewife who only knows the choreography for gentle missionary.  The Funklord has been in the game a long time (the “N” was added later), and I have to say that with some of these advanced pleasure techniques, you really have to see the intricate hand motions in person (no pun intended).  A lot has changed since your parents shared their lewd and lascivious secrets with you.

*Full Disclosure*  I am promoting this because due to my large physical endowments, I have been asked to fly to San Fran (Yes it does count as my carry on) to run a class .  I had to replace this adjunct professor.  I will be teaching my new p90X type program for those trying to get back in sexual shape called “The Penal System”.