We have finally beaten the Russians to technology that really matters to the everyday man:  The Dissolving Condom.  How great is this?  A condom that dissolves.  It’s the real deal, not like those edible panties made out of Fruit Roll-ups (not to be confused with Huggies Pull-ups.  For the love of God, don’t eat those).  You literally have to wear a condom for like 5 seconds, it just goes away, melts off your wiener, and you can have sex for an additional (on average) 5 seconds.  PLUS you get STD and pregnancy protection.  No this is not the year 3021 (I don’t think), this is right now!

In theory I am all about this.  Totally on board.  You had me at dissolving.  I think this is the greatest medical break-thru in dissolving “medicine” since EmergenC (which everyone knows was built on the industry defining molecular architecture of the Alla-Seltzer Tabs).  Unfortunately I, as you may have gathered  from my posts, am a paranoid lunatic.  I can’t enjoy this prospect, not even for the 5 seconds it would take to finish.  If it is too good to be true it, without exception, is.  So when you tell The Funklord that he can enjoy carnal pleasure WITHOUT the need for traditional protection, (Que scratching record noise) my eyebrow goes up.  I want facts and figures.  I want medical charts that I have no chance of understanding, and I want an old white guy in an equally white lab coat explaining it to me.  I am just a traditionalist.

Oh and in closing, Ladies, don’t you DARE fall for the “dissolving condom” excuse.  Thousands of my male readers will be trying this move in the coming weeks, and I want you to be prepared.  The point of these daily messages is education and preparation.  Do not be fooled.