Category Archives: Humorous

This Week in Genitalia (protection): The Case of the Disappearing Condom

by funklord

We have finally beaten the Russians to technology that really matters to the everyday man:  The Dissolving Condom.  How great is this?  A condom that dissolves.  It’s the real deal, not like those edible panties made out of Fruit Roll-ups (not to be confused with Huggies Pull-ups.  For the love of God, don’t eat those).  You literally have to wear a condom for like 5 seconds, it just goes away, melts off your wiener, and you can have sex for an additional (on average) 5 seconds.  PLUS you get STD and pregnancy protection.  No this is not the year 3021 (I don’t think), this is right now!

In theory I am all about this.  Totally on board.  You had me at dissolving.  I think this is the greatest medical break-thru in dissolving “medicine” since EmergenC (which everyone knows was built on the industry defining molecular architecture of the Alla-Seltzer Tabs).  Unfortunately I, as you may have gathered  from my posts, am a paranoid lunatic.  I can’t enjoy this prospect, not even for the 5 seconds it would take to finish.  If it is too good to be true it, without exception, is.  So when you tell The Funklord that he can enjoy carnal pleasure WITHOUT the need for traditional protection, (Que scratching record noise) my eyebrow goes up.  I want facts and figures.  I want medical charts that I have no chance of understanding, and I want an old white guy in an equally white lab coat explaining it to me.  I am just a traditionalist.

Oh and in closing, Ladies, don’t you DARE fall for the “dissolving condom” excuse.  Thousands of my male readers will be trying this move in the coming weeks, and I want you to be prepared.  The point of these daily messages is education and preparation.  Do not be fooled.

This Week in Genitalia 2 – Live Uses For

by funklord

This post is going to ride a thin line taste wise, so I will make my apologies now, and do my best to keep it classy.  In San Fransisco (where else?), there is a Porn company that is getting into the Sex Ed business with live demonstrations.  This has to be the single best idea in the history of mankind (slight hyperbole).  I don’t mean that in a pervy or lecherous way please don’t get me wrong, but business-wise, this is a brilliant move.  I am actually shocked this hasn’t been done before.  I know it crosses a line when you have people having sex in front of a crowd (depraved sex show VS Professor holding class.  I know we have all been in a police station explaining that one).

This is great for couples who want to step it up in the B-Room (hardware installation, mirror adjustment, or safe word selection), the ladies man who wants to learn a few new tricks (The Plum Juggler, the Five Finger Dismount, etc.), or the sheltered housewife who only knows the choreography for gentle missionary.  The Funklord has been in the game a long time (the “N” was added later), and I have to say that with some of these advanced pleasure techniques, you really have to see the intricate hand motions in person (no pun intended).  A lot has changed since your parents shared their lewd and lascivious secrets with you.

*Full Disclosure*  I am promoting this because due to my large physical endowments, I have been asked to fly to San Fran (Yes it does count as my carry on) to run a class .  I had to replace this adjunct professor.  I will be teaching my new p90X type program for those trying to get back in sexual shape called “The Penal System”.

The Grungy Girl Gang Act 3 – The Gimmick

by funklord

People who know The Funklord, know I almost never put my funking foot in my mouth, but on this one, I was dead wrong.  As you may remember, The Grungy Girl Gang is about a group of four goofy yet lovable female criminals (Starring Anna Faris, Kristen Schaal, Melissa McCarthy, and Wanda Sykes), who figure out how to basically flash rob several high end retailers.  This hook came to me in a dream (at work) where I stumbled across this story.  In Pittsburgh, there was another flash robbery, where 5 guys (not the restaurant chain) went into a Louis Vuitton store and made off with thousands of dollars in handbags.  I know what you are thinking:  How can these 5 fashionistas possible accessorize thousands of designer bags before the fall line hits the shelves?  I have no idea.  But what I do know is just like this other similar crime, surveillance VIDEO (yes video) captures them in the act, and the police can’t even tell you what kind of car they were driving.  I think the description is “Late model dark colored car”.  WIth that kind of detail, I should probably turn myself in for questioning.

The funniest part of this story is NOT that they think this is a nation wide, coordinated effort to specifically target high end women accessories, BUT that they can only release some of the footage because they don’t want this to be a “how to” video on robbery.  My conspiracy theory is the other angle has the security guard snoozing while five criminal masterminds give themselves a 30 second shopping spree.

The Grungy Gang Part Two – Scamburglars

by funklord

For you regular readers on the FFP, you are aware that I just posted a story about an all female crime gang.  This post was originally in the form of a very dismissive Hollywood Pitch, but I am starting to come around on my own idea.  I originally saw this story as a drama, or a Movie of the Week (HI LIFETIME!), but that vision has changed.  I now see this as a hilarious caper film, where four hot aspiring criminals bungle every heist they pull off.

Take this story about 3 guys in Garland Texas who literally run into a store, grabbed 3 displays of watches, and run out the front door.  In the span of 13 seconds, they get 80 watches nabbing 19k in the process.  That’s the WHOLE story!  My math indicates that’s 1500 dollars a second!  And these idiots have completely baffled police.  They dont have leads, or even know what kind of car they were driving. This reminds me of the scene in The Big Lebowski where Walter tells The Dude that in order to get the ransom money back he is going to “Chase them down and beat it out of them” to which The Dude replies sarcastically  “That’s fucking ingenious if I understand it correctly”.  Then Walter quite eloquently retorts “The beauty of this is in it’s simplicity.  Once a plan gets too complex everything can go wrong”.   I always though this was hysterical because it was so stupid, then these three guys come along and execute that plan flawlessly.

You can watch the 13 second security cam footage where you clearly see a very large gentleman and his two buddies, run in and scamper out.  It’s REALLY funny.  Remember, I don’t use all caps unless I mean it.  You ever see a fat dude IN JEANS running out of a store with 50 lbs of gold in his arms?  Its life altering.  Insert Melissa McCarthy, Anna Faris, Wanda Sykes (you need a black one, and I have to reluctantly admit she’s hilarious) and the lovably goofy Kristen Schaal.  I’m totally serious.  Like seriously serious.  E-mail if you want to discuss funklord@funkfreedompress.com

Geriatric Gigolo

by funklord

If you live to see it, 96 is the age where you finally become a great grandfather, not a great father.  In India, there is a 96 year old man who just fathered a baby.  This is incredible for several reasons that I shall list below, since that is my MO:

1.  He is 96 six and still getting laid.  That is how babies are made.  His skills as a mack have yet to fade.

2.  Peta is using him as their poster child for all things virile.  Apparently he is a life long vegetarian, and is attributing the strength of HIS meat to the lack of ingesting it.

1.  This goofy looking dude is getting laid at 96!  Where does he find the stamina?  And he scoffs at Viagra.  This guy is like the Dos Equis “most interesting man in the world”.

3.  96?  You sure he’s not 69?  Right?  All the college kids know what I’m talking about.   You ever wonder why it’s called “69”ing and not “bq”ing?  I guess that’s too close to BBQ.  No one wants a sex act that reminds them of charred dead animal flesh.  I would rather “96” someone anyway.  Back to back so I can get some sleep.  Who needs the rigors of sex anyway?  I have to go to work in the morning.

Uh oh, maybe I should become a vegetarian.