Author Archives: funklord

The Grungy Gang Part Two – Scamburglars

by funklord

For you regular readers on the FFP, you are aware that I just posted a story about an all female crime gang.  This post was originally in the form of a very dismissive Hollywood Pitch, but I am starting to come around on my own idea.  I originally saw this story as a drama, or a Movie of the Week (HI LIFETIME!), but that vision has changed.  I now see this as a hilarious caper film, where four hot aspiring criminals bungle every heist they pull off.

Take this story about 3 guys in Garland Texas who literally run into a store, grabbed 3 displays of watches, and run out the front door.  In the span of 13 seconds, they get 80 watches nabbing 19k in the process.  That’s the WHOLE story!  My math indicates that’s 1500 dollars a second!  And these idiots have completely baffled police.  They dont have leads, or even know what kind of car they were driving. This reminds me of the scene in The Big Lebowski where Walter tells The Dude that in order to get the ransom money back he is going to “Chase them down and beat it out of them” to which The Dude replies sarcastically  “That’s fucking ingenious if I understand it correctly”.  Then Walter quite eloquently retorts “The beauty of this is in it’s simplicity.  Once a plan gets too complex everything can go wrong”.   I always though this was hysterical because it was so stupid, then these three guys come along and execute that plan flawlessly.

You can watch the 13 second security cam footage where you clearly see a very large gentleman and his two buddies, run in and scamper out.  It’s REALLY funny.  Remember, I don’t use all caps unless I mean it.  You ever see a fat dude IN JEANS running out of a store with 50 lbs of gold in his arms?  Its life altering.  Insert Melissa McCarthy, Anna Faris, Wanda Sykes (you need a black one, and I have to reluctantly admit she’s hilarious) and the lovably goofy Kristen Schaal.  I’m totally serious.  Like seriously serious.  E-mail if you want to discuss funklord@funkfreedompress.com

I’ve got some Sandy in my throat

by funklord

There is now a third reported illness that is afflicting the residents of Staten Island in the wake of Hurricane Sandy:  The Sandy Cough.  Despite its name, this is not a beach related sickness.  In fact, I think the news is running out of things to report on, and have literally just made this up out of thin air. Now don’t get me wrong, I think this is a real thing, caused by all the mold, debris, and microscopic bits or crap in the air.  I have relatives and friends in NY and I want to see them rebuild more than anything.  I am just saying that the NEWS people are totally fabricating stories.  This “Sandy Cough” is really just a rehash of the “Far Rockaway Cough” I reported on a few weeks ago.   Not just a rehash mind you, but they directly plagiarized themselves!  I don’t use exclamation marks unless I mean it.   How uncreative do you have to be?  I mean they couldn’t even find a sexy name to call it (Like the Hurricane Hack, the Staten Island Sibilate, or the Extreme Wind-Caused Wheeze).  Those are all Trademarked BTW.

In truth I think all of these respiratory diseases may have all derived from Popcorn Lung.  One more illness in NY and I will have to make a countdown list.

Geriatric Gigolo

by funklord

If you live to see it, 96 is the age where you finally become a great grandfather, not a great father.  In India, there is a 96 year old man who just fathered a baby.  This is incredible for several reasons that I shall list below, since that is my MO:

1.  He is 96 six and still getting laid.  That is how babies are made.  His skills as a mack have yet to fade.

2.  Peta is using him as their poster child for all things virile.  Apparently he is a life long vegetarian, and is attributing the strength of HIS meat to the lack of ingesting it.

1.  This goofy looking dude is getting laid at 96!  Where does he find the stamina?  And he scoffs at Viagra.  This guy is like the Dos Equis “most interesting man in the world”.

3.  96?  You sure he’s not 69?  Right?  All the college kids know what I’m talking about.   You ever wonder why it’s called “69”ing and not “bq”ing?  I guess that’s too close to BBQ.  No one wants a sex act that reminds them of charred dead animal flesh.  I would rather “96” someone anyway.  Back to back so I can get some sleep.  Who needs the rigors of sex anyway?  I have to go to work in the morning.

Uh oh, maybe I should become a vegetarian.

Grungy Girl Gang (The Hollywood Pitch)

by funklord

I am always on the hunt for the next big thing film-wise.  Okay that’s not true at all, but you have to say it to maintain your D-Bag street cred in Hollywood (and no one appreciated their street cred as much as The Funklord).  The latest Hollywood blockbuster in the making comes to us from Sarasota, Florida.  There, a group of 4 female burglars have been terrorizing medicine cabinets for weeks.  They got caught, mostly because they are TERRIBLE burglars.  Now this story would be an instant success if the following were true:

1.  They were hot (which unfortunately they are not).  This is fixable with the right casting.

2.  They were into Cocaine or some high society drug.  They are not.  It says they were “abused prescription pills” which may be code for Meth.  Not sexy at all, although they make it look pretty damn cool in Breaking Bad.  Again, fixable.

3.  They were any good AT ALL!  While they didn’t get caught for a while, they did always leave very obvious signs of their presence (A’ La the Sticky Bandits in Home Alone 2).  They even robbed a place that had a 5 year old inside!  Even I know you have to case the joint first.  Still, with the right screenwriter, this is fixable.

While there are some serious flaws in this story, I am sure this will be in the trades early tomorrow (I know Nikki Finke reads this blog).  If so, you heard it here first (my finders fee is 12%).

A chat about Snapchat

by funklord

If you enjoy sending pictures of your penis to well anyone, they Snapchat is the app for you.   Why you ask?  Can’t you IM/E-mail pictures of your penis from any iPhone TO any phone?  The answer is yes, however the greatest selling point is that you can set a LIMIT to how long the other person can view the photo of your penis.  Your penis photo will  stay active for 5 seconds, 10 seconds, and then it is gone forever!  No more unnecessary, catfights, divorces or pesky legal disputes because a photo of your penis fell into the wrong hands.

There is one drawback…you have to register an account with Snapchat.  Now this isn’t to make sure minors responsibility send photos of their penises, which would make the MOST sense.  No this is basically for no reason at all.  I used a dummy e-mail account, and picked a screen name (funklord for those interested in sending me pictures of anything BUT penises), and I was set to go!

Check out this website which gives pros and cons.

I will leave you with three questions:

1.  Why was this NOT the first app ever created?

2.  Will Apple ever integrate it directly into their IM program

3.  Can you tell me how many times the word “Penis” and “Penises” appeared in this post (without looking!)