This story is about a monkey, in a stylish coat and a diaper, who got loose in an Ikea store in Ontario. It wasn’t specified, but I do not believe he purchased the coat there. I don’t really have a lot to say, other than I didn’t think I would hear the term “Well Dressed” and “Dapper” applied to any monkey other than Lancelot Link Secret Chimp (Look it up under 30 crowd. It’s a perfect reference). The chimp is fine, but it is still up in the air if the original owners will get the monkey back. It’s an illegal pet in Ontario.
Author Archives: funklord
Chinese Ghost Towns?
I don’t know if you guys are aware of this strange phenomenon, but China has, for some unknown reason, built several sprawling cities in the most remote sections of their country. That part isn’t that strange by most standards: America has several out of the way locations that house resort towns, getaways, summer homes. We in America love to inhabit the harshest terrain that we can. The VERY unsettling part is that these ready-made cities, built for 1.5-3 million people, are COMPLETELY EMPTY. Check out this article in TIME on one such city Ordos. It has pictures that look like something from Chernobyl. The difference is that Chernobyl was EVACUATED. These cities never had people to begin with. This goes against everything I have come to believe about the evolution of cities.
If you take a look at all the major cities in the US, you see that each one grew around a need that was filled: Detroit with cars, Los Angeles with the movie industry, Pittsburgh with Stelle. Look at the port towns of New Orleans, Boston and New York. With a large influx of people, there is an increased need to build more stuff (apartments, homes, shops, buildings, etc.) That is the natural progression of city evolution. So that begs the question: Why is China continuing to build cities they don’t need?
Let’s take a look at the latest building project. Basically they are going to level a mountain range in the desert to build a city that can house 3.6 million people…from scratch. One there is one more problem: no local water source. Maybe they can take a page out of LA’s book, and hijack a major river. This is a 2.2 billion dollar investment and yet, they haven’t filled ten’s of cities they have built previously. So why do they have them, and what are they going to do with them? You would think that with a country of one billion people, they could find 1 percent of their population willing to move into a brand new city.
There is one conspiracy theory that has been circling the internet that may answer those questions: Fukushima. The plant is still spewing radiation. The cores are still melting down. It is literally only a matter of time until Japan is uninhabitable or the population is wiped out. The rumor is China has offered to move the population of Japan into these ready-made cities. Given the history between these two countries that has spanned several thousand years, I find it hard to believe China would welcome their age old enemy into their backyard.
Who really knows. All I know is that these cities are real, and it’s totally weird.
Age Ain’t Nuthin’ But a Number – In Memory Of
While I have been personally following the world oldest people for years, the FFP first reported Besse Cooper as the world’s oldest person way back in August. She was born in Tennessee in 1896 and moved to Georgia in WWI. World War One. The Red Baron, 19-teens, 100 YEARS AGO! Her life stretched across three centuries. I think I find this so interesting because she was alive for every major event you could possibly think of. 30 years removed from The Civil War. 30 years! The sheer volume of first hand knowledge this person had with them is staggering. It is also so depressingly fragile. She had a stomach flu but got her hair done anyway. Afterwards she had trouble breathing, and was dead hours later.
If I was to pinpoint the genesis for the decline of culture in the US, I think it starts with our absolute obsession with youth, and the complete dismissal of the elderly. The circle of life was meant to close with review. Lessons, traditions, stories of times gone by. Things we could look at as our foundation, to take the good and improve on the bad. They made the mistakes, and their job is to make sure the youngest generation does not make those same goofs.
Seniors aren’t useless, they are vital. Although I never met Besse, I am confident she was a national treasure.
In her place lies another American, NOW world’s oldest person 115-year-old Dina Manfredini of Iowa.
This Week in Genitalia 2 – Live Uses For
This post is going to ride a thin line taste wise, so I will make my apologies now, and do my best to keep it classy. In San Fransisco (where else?), there is a Porn company that is getting into the Sex Ed business with live demonstrations. This has to be the single best idea in the history of mankind (slight hyperbole). I don’t mean that in a pervy or lecherous way please don’t get me wrong, but business-wise, this is a brilliant move. I am actually shocked this hasn’t been done before. I know it crosses a line when you have people having sex in front of a crowd (depraved sex show VS Professor holding class. I know we have all been in a police station explaining that one).
This is great for couples who want to step it up in the B-Room (hardware installation, mirror adjustment, or safe word selection), the ladies man who wants to learn a few new tricks (The Plum Juggler, the Five Finger Dismount, etc.), or the sheltered housewife who only knows the choreography for gentle missionary. The Funklord has been in the game a long time (the “N” was added later), and I have to say that with some of these advanced pleasure techniques, you really have to see the intricate hand motions in person (no pun intended). A lot has changed since your parents shared their lewd and lascivious secrets with you.
*Full Disclosure* I am promoting this because due to my large physical endowments, I have been asked to fly to San Fran (Yes it does count as my carry on) to run a class . I had to replace this adjunct professor. I will be teaching my new p90X type program for those trying to get back in sexual shape called “The Penal System”.
The Grungy Girl Gang Act 3 – The Gimmick
People who know The Funklord, know I almost never put my funking foot in my mouth, but on this one, I was dead wrong. As you may remember, The Grungy Girl Gang is about a group of four goofy yet lovable female criminals (Starring Anna Faris, Kristen Schaal, Melissa McCarthy, and Wanda Sykes), who figure out how to basically flash rob several high end retailers. This hook came to me in a dream (at work) where I stumbled across this story. In Pittsburgh, there was another flash robbery, where 5 guys (not the restaurant chain) went into a Louis Vuitton store and made off with thousands of dollars in handbags. I know what you are thinking: How can these 5 fashionistas possible accessorize thousands of designer bags before the fall line hits the shelves? I have no idea. But what I do know is just like this other similar crime, surveillance VIDEO (yes video) captures them in the act, and the police can’t even tell you what kind of car they were driving. I think the description is “Late model dark colored car”. WIth that kind of detail, I should probably turn myself in for questioning.
The funniest part of this story is NOT that they think this is a nation wide, coordinated effort to specifically target high end women accessories, BUT that they can only release some of the footage because they don’t want this to be a “how to” video on robbery. My conspiracy theory is the other angle has the security guard snoozing while five criminal masterminds give themselves a 30 second shopping spree.