Category Archives: Strange Human Conditions

Homemade Batman

by funklord

I cannot tell you how many times I have thought about doing this…when I was 6.  This story is just so amazing.  One of those that comes along once in a lifetime.  There is a man in Michigan that dresses up like Batman and patrols the streets.  Well apparently while listening to the police scanner, he arrived on the scene of a crime where the suspect fled.  Sans Batmobile, this man was in pursuit.  The problem is that the police wanted to unleash the K-9 unit.  This faux Batman threw off their sent.  Refusing to back down (just like the REAL Batman) this man shot up a grappling hook, and was swallowed by the night.  Oh wait, no they arrested him.

His sidekick Batgirl is raising money for his bail.  No seriously.

What’s the human equivalent of bacon?

by funklord

There was this movie in the early aughts called Snatch.  Arguably Brad Pitt’s best work.  I don’t remember a lot about the movie, but I did take away one thing.  The major bad guy in the movie, Bricktop, talks about how if you want to disappear someone, you can feed them to pigs.  You have to pull out the teeth and fingernails, but he says “they eat through bones like butter”.  Why do I remember this?  I don’t know.  What I do know is that if it really worked, it would be a great way to get rid of a body.  From that point on, I was always wary of people who owned pig farms.

Flash forward to today.  An Oregon man was found eaten alive by his pigs.  No one knows how or why.  Heart attack and fell in?  Foul Play?

No one got any answers, well except for me.

Ice Packed Penis

by funklord

From my previous post, you were introduced to my feelings on Kentucky.  Given that, this story does not surprise me.  Now what man has NOT had a nightmare about his penis being frozen off, and developing gangrene to the point amputation is needed?  I know I have.  Well a Kentucky man is going through that for real.  He served in the Army.  A Patriot.  This man goes to the VA hospital for a medical procedure on his penis, (penal implants and a circumcision.  Seems like paying twice to get the same length, but I digress) and after the surgery the nurse put ice on it for 19 hours straight!  He got frostbite of the penis, it developed into gangrene, and he had to have the whole thing removed.  He can’t even urinate!  So he is suing for malpractice.

Normally I would joke about freeze dried wieners or something like that, but I don’t think this is the place for jokes.  This positively terrifying if you love your penis, or one that belongs to someone else.

Can you ear me now?

by funklord

This sounds like the plot to a porn movie.  A Baltimore woman loses her ear, and part of her skull to cancer.  The brilliant doctors at John Hopkins took parts of her rib, and fashioned and created a new ear for her.  Like any cartilage based cookie, this one had to be baked to perfection.  They put it in her arm, and cooked it at 98.6 degrees for 4-5 months.  You’ll know when the edges brown.

When it was done they stitched it on her head, and off she went.  *Warning:  Do not try at home*

Bageling

by funklord

Ever want to look like a Star Trek alien with all those crazy lumps and bumps on your face?  No?  Then you you are not young, hip, or Japanese.  There is a trend sweeping the Land of the Rising Sun, and it is making me feel like a crotchety geezer.  I just don’t get it.  Apparently in the Asian Body Mod world, you can inject a bubble of saline into your forehead, them push the center in so it looks like you have a bagel there.  It is known as “awesome, cool, punk rock, tits, rad, boss, the shit, dah shiznit, groovy, swell, epic, retarded” or whatever word describes trendy in your age group.  It is basically a breast implant on your face.  Seems like a waste to me.

There is a God, because this monstrosity is absorbed by the body within 16 hours.  Oh and before they go out, they smear cream cheese all over it.  Kids these days.