Category Archives: Humorous

Homemade Batman

by funklord

I cannot tell you how many times I have thought about doing this…when I was 6.  This story is just so amazing.  One of those that comes along once in a lifetime.  There is a man in Michigan that dresses up like Batman and patrols the streets.  Well apparently while listening to the police scanner, he arrived on the scene of a crime where the suspect fled.  Sans Batmobile, this man was in pursuit.  The problem is that the police wanted to unleash the K-9 unit.  This faux Batman threw off their sent.  Refusing to back down (just like the REAL Batman) this man shot up a grappling hook, and was swallowed by the night.  Oh wait, no they arrested him.

His sidekick Batgirl is raising money for his bail.  No seriously.

Ice Packed Penis

by funklord

From my previous post, you were introduced to my feelings on Kentucky.  Given that, this story does not surprise me.  Now what man has NOT had a nightmare about his penis being frozen off, and developing gangrene to the point amputation is needed?  I know I have.  Well a Kentucky man is going through that for real.  He served in the Army.  A Patriot.  This man goes to the VA hospital for a medical procedure on his penis, (penal implants and a circumcision.  Seems like paying twice to get the same length, but I digress) and after the surgery the nurse put ice on it for 19 hours straight!  He got frostbite of the penis, it developed into gangrene, and he had to have the whole thing removed.  He can’t even urinate!  So he is suing for malpractice.

Normally I would joke about freeze dried wieners or something like that, but I don’t think this is the place for jokes.  This positively terrifying if you love your penis, or one that belongs to someone else.

Bageling

by funklord

Ever want to look like a Star Trek alien with all those crazy lumps and bumps on your face?  No?  Then you you are not young, hip, or Japanese.  There is a trend sweeping the Land of the Rising Sun, and it is making me feel like a crotchety geezer.  I just don’t get it.  Apparently in the Asian Body Mod world, you can inject a bubble of saline into your forehead, them push the center in so it looks like you have a bagel there.  It is known as “awesome, cool, punk rock, tits, rad, boss, the shit, dah shiznit, groovy, swell, epic, retarded” or whatever word describes trendy in your age group.  It is basically a breast implant on your face.  Seems like a waste to me.

There is a God, because this monstrosity is absorbed by the body within 16 hours.  Oh and before they go out, they smear cream cheese all over it.  Kids these days.

The upcoming bacapalypse

by funklord

It is official:  A bacon shortage is coming.  Well, a pork shortage, but that quickly will cut into bacon, make no mistake.  Man my roommate is going to be pissed.  He loves this stuff.  He buys the good kind.  You know the stuff I’m talking about.  Apple musk, hickey smoked, all that nonsense.  I am not in love with bacon myself, but the stuff he makes really causes me to question my meat loyalties.

A good friend of mine, her mom is one of the leading experts on bacon, yet she cooks it in the microwave.  I don’t get it.  Anyway apparently her palate is so refined that someone tried to pass off “Boars hog” bacon as…I guess regular bacon, (I am a novice here) and she went absolutely ape $#!*.  Pretty funny actually.

My financial advice:  invest in Bacon Bits futures.  I think that their small size, and ability to be liquidated easily will make them the currency of the future.

Also, what does this mean for the future of fair food?  What will they wrap other meats in next?

SBD (Silent But Deadly or Stink Bug Domination)

by funklord

I am really only writing about this because of its inherit hilarity?  Irony?  I am not sure.  Washington DC is in the midst of the largest Stink Bug infestation in history.  Is it any coincidence that Capitol Hill is being invaded by large numbers of farty smelling insects so close to the election?  God does have a sense of humor.

Speaking of humor, how funny are these little guys?  For a guy with a 5 year old sense of humor, these things are a home run.  These critters are like your grandpa.  They are unique looking, and kind of crotchety for starters.  If you irritate them enough, they immediately stop what they are doing, and stick their butt in the air.  To the untrained eye, they are doing nothing,  so you watch you for a second wondering what the heck is going on.  Then it hits you.  Your face recoils, your eyes water, your toes curl, and patches of hair immediately grow on your chest.  You lose consciousness for a few seconds.  Why has the US Government not weaponized this?”  You wonder.  So goes the amply names Stink Bug.

To me the funniest part of human flatulence is the sound.  Some times it is quick like and loud like a FRRUMP.  Other times it is slow and quiet like a gas leak.  And other times it makes no sound.  It just assails your senses.  Each scenario has its place on the comedic spectrum.  It is this phenomenon that makes the Stink Bug the most hated, and the most hilarious of the common pest.