Category Archives: Humorous

Grungy Girl Gang (The Hollywood Pitch)

by funklord

I am always on the hunt for the next big thing film-wise.  Okay that’s not true at all, but you have to say it to maintain your D-Bag street cred in Hollywood (and no one appreciated their street cred as much as The Funklord).  The latest Hollywood blockbuster in the making comes to us from Sarasota, Florida.  There, a group of 4 female burglars have been terrorizing medicine cabinets for weeks.  They got caught, mostly because they are TERRIBLE burglars.  Now this story would be an instant success if the following were true:

1.  They were hot (which unfortunately they are not).  This is fixable with the right casting.

2.  They were into Cocaine or some high society drug.  They are not.  It says they were “abused prescription pills” which may be code for Meth.  Not sexy at all, although they make it look pretty damn cool in Breaking Bad.  Again, fixable.

3.  They were any good AT ALL!  While they didn’t get caught for a while, they did always leave very obvious signs of their presence (A’ La the Sticky Bandits in Home Alone 2).  They even robbed a place that had a 5 year old inside!  Even I know you have to case the joint first.  Still, with the right screenwriter, this is fixable.

While there are some serious flaws in this story, I am sure this will be in the trades early tomorrow (I know Nikki Finke reads this blog).  If so, you heard it here first (my finders fee is 12%).

A chat about Snapchat

by funklord

If you enjoy sending pictures of your penis to well anyone, they Snapchat is the app for you.   Why you ask?  Can’t you IM/E-mail pictures of your penis from any iPhone TO any phone?  The answer is yes, however the greatest selling point is that you can set a LIMIT to how long the other person can view the photo of your penis.  Your penis photo will  stay active for 5 seconds, 10 seconds, and then it is gone forever!  No more unnecessary, catfights, divorces or pesky legal disputes because a photo of your penis fell into the wrong hands.

There is one drawback…you have to register an account with Snapchat.  Now this isn’t to make sure minors responsibility send photos of their penises, which would make the MOST sense.  No this is basically for no reason at all.  I used a dummy e-mail account, and picked a screen name (funklord for those interested in sending me pictures of anything BUT penises), and I was set to go!

Check out this website which gives pros and cons.

I will leave you with three questions:

1.  Why was this NOT the first app ever created?

2.  Will Apple ever integrate it directly into their IM program

3.  Can you tell me how many times the word “Penis” and “Penises” appeared in this post (without looking!)

What’s Christmas without the Ho Ho’s? Guess I will have to settle for a Bimbo.

by funklord

As I am sure everyone is aware, Hostess is going out of business.  This entire story has more plot twists than a Mexican telenovella.  They have been filed for bankruptcy protection twice in the last 5 years, has falling sales for the last 9 years straight, and were suffering from a workers strike.  The company blamed strike for the company finally going out of business, and others say that the top executives were paying themselves more than the company was profiting.  Either way, this story has generated a LOT of panic.  Boxes of Twinkies and Ho Ho’s were going for 100 bucks a box on Ebay.

Was it the push for healthier food that was driving down the profits?  Who knows.  All I know is that I am totally conflicted on this subject.  As a certified health nut, all of their products are barely food, which contain all or mostly GMO’s.  They are the food equivalent of ingesting a box of cigarettes.  I don’t think there would be this kind of outcry if Marlboro was closing its plantations.  Why is that?

Four words:  They are freaking delicious.  Seriously.  Have you guys had a Hostess cupcakes?  They are unbelievable.  I have never been a Twinkie fan, but I do love their Ho Ho’s.  I am also a huge fan of regular Ho’s (not a Hostess product).

Along that vein, an online petition was put up, asking President Obama to nationalize the Twinkie industry.  This had me laughing for about 20 mins.  Pretty funny idea.  They need 25,000 signatures, they have around 3.5 thousand.  Not the pace they were hoping for.

Bad news.  Or is it?  Maybe this is a California thing (because we are so close to Mexico, and have a large Mexican population), but in a lot of stores here, there is a Mexican company called Bimbo.  I’ve had a lot of laughs over this, because well I think it’s obvious.  I see big trucks with “Bimbo” written on the side ALL OVER LA.  Their mascot is a total rip-off of the Pilsbury Dough man.  The Bimbo Bear is totally white, is wearing a chef hat, and is relatively adorable, while his Jewish counterpart, Mr Doughman is an androgynous ball of biscuit batter.  Other than that, *CLAP* IDENTICAL.  These guy (Bimbo, not the mascots) are interested in buying all or parts of the Hostess brand.  They already own Entenmann’s, and Sara Lee.

My pro-American side says that while I wouldn’t want Little Debbie to snatch it up and create the most delicious monopoly in the history of the Universe, I would like it to remain American.  On the other hand, by Health Nut thinks it wouldn’t be the worst thing of this processed food giant went belly up.  See, I’m very confused.

The Greatest Chinese Food Story Ever Told

by funklord

I am reminded of a line from The Big Lebowski:  “The beauty, Dude, is in it’s simplicity.  Once a plan gets too complex everything can go wrong”.

The story goes like this:  Chinese food delivery man goes into a school to make a delivery, leaves the car idling in the parking lot.  Thief steals the car and makes the deliveries, keeping the money for himself.  Not a terrible idea, BUT how did he know where to go?  Was this an inside job?  I don’t know how delivery guys work.

Anyway, this isn’t the funniest part.  *Spoiler alert*  He gets caught (gasp!) and gets busted for DRUG CHARGES.  Possession of less than an ounce of Marijuana, paraphernalia, and other drug charges.

I love this country.

Wait what? How…I mean…huh? Are you serious?

by funklord

As if I needed another reason to hate Kentucky.  This is my one allowed pervy news post.  A former Bengals cheerleader turned teacher just plead guilty to banging a 17 year old student (male).  What?! Are you KIDDING me?  She was a PROFESSIONAL cheerleader and she chooses some pimply-faced dork from a high school.  Ok I am sure he was stud, I mean he has to be right?  She wouldn’t be into tall nerds, you don’t think?  Nah of course not.  I mean I had no chance with the regular cheerleaders in my school, and all of whom were forgettable.

The only thing that helps me sleep at night is that this is probably the peak for this kid.  How can you top this?  I mean seriously. This is every kids fantasy.  I, on the other hand, am on the upswing (probability would dictate).  Although phrases like “probability would dictate” will ensure a deep down slide in my chances (probability would dictate).