Are those tree nuts in your pocket or is that Pacu just happy to see you?

What an article to come back to from a small hiatus.  I am sure you remember my immortal post This Week in Genitalia from this time last year.  In it I profiled the benefits of castration, and I debuted a little devil called the Pacu, which is an invasive species of fish that was biting peoples testicles off in Illinois.  This fish had TEETH.  Like really real teeth.

Pacu Large No Watermark

So today, I am sitting in the offices of the Funk Freedom Press, and Freelance reporter Larry Love of Video Expressions tosses me this news piece of the notorious nut nibbler.  Apparently this guy has made his way to New Jersey.  It looks like people are buying these feminist jerks and when they get too big, they are dumping them off in the first waist-high lake they can find.   It was in that article that I learned that these teethy fellows evolved a full set of teeth to crack into tree nuts, which is what they eat in their natural habitat.   It seems their eyesight isn’t so great, as they are mistaking men’s nuts for tree nuts.  Honest mistake.

Nuthin’ but a B thang

This man is infinitely more of a man than I, although technically I have 200% more balls.  A British Rugby player, Paul Wood (Real name), got his eggs scrambled by a knee in the waning moments of hte first half.  This tough MFer came back in and finished the game (even though they lost).  He then had his smashed ball surgically removed.  He has a wife and two kids, thank God, but I am sure he had a lot more planned for the little guy.  The good news is the remaining ball now has a two bedroom apartment.  He will appreciate the space.

This week in Genitalia

This one is for the men out there. I have some good news, I have some bad news, and I have some worse news.

The good news: It turns out that men have the unique ability to extend their life, and this way is NOT open to women. The secret (AKA the bad news): Castration. Yes, it turns out that men who have been castrated live significantly longer than those who have not.  The research was inclusive on whether or not the men WANTED to live that long.  Also, how would that procedure effect dogs (actual canines, not men who have lots of sex)?

The worse news (AKA the solution):  In Illinois, there is a fish named the Pacu.  This fish was illegally introduced into several lakes in the state.  Well this little critter has an unusual diet:  Human Testicles.  Yes the dreaded “Ball Cutter” (local nickname) has a few kills under his belt, from chomping on a guy’s Johnson, causing fatal bleeding.  You have to see pictures of this thing.  It has a full set of human looking teeth!

The article outlines the Pacu’s normal diet as “leaves, aquatic vegetation, nuts, and snails”.  I will make sure my nuts and snails are in a cup next time I visit the Windy City.