Author Archives: funklord

What’s Christmas without the Ho Ho’s? Guess I will have to settle for a Bimbo.

by funklord

As I am sure everyone is aware, Hostess is going out of business.  This entire story has more plot twists than a Mexican telenovella.  They have been filed for bankruptcy protection twice in the last 5 years, has falling sales for the last 9 years straight, and were suffering from a workers strike.  The company blamed strike for the company finally going out of business, and others say that the top executives were paying themselves more than the company was profiting.  Either way, this story has generated a LOT of panic.  Boxes of Twinkies and Ho Ho’s were going for 100 bucks a box on Ebay.

Was it the push for healthier food that was driving down the profits?  Who knows.  All I know is that I am totally conflicted on this subject.  As a certified health nut, all of their products are barely food, which contain all or mostly GMO’s.  They are the food equivalent of ingesting a box of cigarettes.  I don’t think there would be this kind of outcry if Marlboro was closing its plantations.  Why is that?

Four words:  They are freaking delicious.  Seriously.  Have you guys had a Hostess cupcakes?  They are unbelievable.  I have never been a Twinkie fan, but I do love their Ho Ho’s.  I am also a huge fan of regular Ho’s (not a Hostess product).

Along that vein, an online petition was put up, asking President Obama to nationalize the Twinkie industry.  This had me laughing for about 20 mins.  Pretty funny idea.  They need 25,000 signatures, they have around 3.5 thousand.  Not the pace they were hoping for.

Bad news.  Or is it?  Maybe this is a California thing (because we are so close to Mexico, and have a large Mexican population), but in a lot of stores here, there is a Mexican company called Bimbo.  I’ve had a lot of laughs over this, because well I think it’s obvious.  I see big trucks with “Bimbo” written on the side ALL OVER LA.  Their mascot is a total rip-off of the Pilsbury Dough man.  The Bimbo Bear is totally white, is wearing a chef hat, and is relatively adorable, while his Jewish counterpart, Mr Doughman is an androgynous ball of biscuit batter.  Other than that, *CLAP* IDENTICAL.  These guy (Bimbo, not the mascots) are interested in buying all or parts of the Hostess brand.  They already own Entenmann’s, and Sara Lee.

My pro-American side says that while I wouldn’t want Little Debbie to snatch it up and create the most delicious monopoly in the history of the Universe, I would like it to remain American.  On the other hand, by Health Nut thinks it wouldn’t be the worst thing of this processed food giant went belly up.  See, I’m very confused.

The Far Rockaway Cough (in Faraway New York)

by funklord

Looks like New York is still in the thick of it.  I previously reported on the stomach flu that was ripping through the shelters, and in a similar vein, there is a new affliction that is plaguing New Yorkers:  The Far Rockaway Cough.  This isn’t a normal cough caused by a virus.  All the mold, and various crap that has been, and continues to be, stirred up by Sandy and the cleanup is going into people’s lungs and causing various respiratory illnesses.

Due to the flooding, the wood structures are rotting.  Those spores, even if you are not usually allergic, will get into your lungs and cause a myriad of problems.

The real downside is there isn’t a cure besides getting out of the situation.

The Greatest Chinese Food Story Ever Told

by funklord

I am reminded of a line from The Big Lebowski:  “The beauty, Dude, is in it’s simplicity.  Once a plan gets too complex everything can go wrong”.

The story goes like this:  Chinese food delivery man goes into a school to make a delivery, leaves the car idling in the parking lot.  Thief steals the car and makes the deliveries, keeping the money for himself.  Not a terrible idea, BUT how did he know where to go?  Was this an inside job?  I don’t know how delivery guys work.

Anyway, this isn’t the funniest part.  *Spoiler alert*  He gets caught (gasp!) and gets busted for DRUG CHARGES.  Possession of less than an ounce of Marijuana, paraphernalia, and other drug charges.

I love this country.

Stomach Virus sweeps through NY Camps

by funklord

For my regular readers, you are well aware of my morbid fascination with the ongoing viral epidemics raging cross this globe of ours.  In NY, as the city recovers from Sandy, the Stomach Flu is ripping through certain camps set up along the city.  This is to be expected, given the conditions and close living quarters.

*Warning:  Rant ahead*

Here is why I am writing about this: the average person is woefully unprepared to deal with any calamity that pulls them off the id for more than a few days.  If you don’t have power supplied by a power company, you don’t have food readily available, gas to power things (generators, cars for travel) things get really ugly really fast.  That is NOT counting the X-factor types of things like looting mobs, violent riots, etc.  How does this relate?  Well viral infections are all part of that element, and you may not have medicine or experts to apply medicinal knowledge.

Never pee in the wind (in Piedmont, Oklahoma)

by funklord

In Piedmont Oklahoma (pronounced Peed Mont.  It will be funny later), a 3 year old “In Potty Training” was outside playing, as kids of that age do.  He has to take a whiz, but unfortunately he hasn’t quite nailed down the process.  He can’t make it to a toilet, but luckily he is outside, so his mom tells him to let er fly.  What the mom didn’t know was that Officer a-hole was on patrol, keeping things safe.  Nothing ruins a nice quiet neighborhood like a toddler peeing outside.  This guy does the right thing, and fines the kid 1,000 dollars for every year he’s been on this earth (around 3 grand).  Public Urination.  The officer did cut the kid a break, and didn’t slap the cuffs on him.  His mom was there for crissakes.

Oh did I mention they were on their own property?  They were on their own property.

Full Story Here