Category Archives: Humorous

This week in Genitalia

by funklord

This one is for the men out there. I have some good news, I have some bad news, and I have some worse news.

The good news: It turns out that men have the unique ability to extend their life, and this way is NOT open to women. The secret (AKA the bad news): Castration. Yes, it turns out that men who have been castrated live significantly longer than those who have not.  The research was inclusive on whether or not the men WANTED to live that long.  Also, how would that procedure effect dogs (actual canines, not men who have lots of sex)?

The worse news (AKA the solution):  In Illinois, there is a fish named the Pacu.  This fish was illegally introduced into several lakes in the state.  Well this little critter has an unusual diet:  Human Testicles.  Yes the dreaded “Ball Cutter” (local nickname) has a few kills under his belt, from chomping on a guy’s Johnson, causing fatal bleeding.  You have to see pictures of this thing.  It has a full set of human looking teeth!

The article outlines the Pacu’s normal diet as “leaves, aquatic vegetation, nuts, and snails”.  I will make sure my nuts and snails are in a cup next time I visit the Windy City.

I was almost famous,but for the wrong reasons

by funklord

This one wouldn’t have made the cut, if this guy hadn’t stolen my gimmick.  This story is about a guy who was climbing a mountain at Zion National Park (beautiful place if you haven’t been), and gets his foot caught, and eventually dies hanging upside down like a bat.  Tragic story.  Let’s rewind a few short months.

It is my birthday, and I have decided to go to Mt. Zion and go hiking.  I ambitiously climb the tallest mountain in this part of the park.  At the top, two things confront me:  A breathtaking view, partially obstructed, and a 6 foot long, two foot wide rock jut overhanging the valley below (The obstruction). I can only imagine how amazing the view is from that overhang.

I stare at it, for about 15 solid minutes, genuinely trying to convince myself that I am not the klutz I know I am, and that I won’t end my days as a pile of human spaghetti sauce at the bottom.  To make a long story short, I did not shuffle out onto that ledge.  A decision I secretly regretted until yesterday.  Actually until today at around 4:15PM when I read this article.  I think I made the right choice.

The Highway to Hell must run through New Hampshire

by funklord

Anyone who knows The Funklord, knows he love AC/DC.  Thunderstruck is pound for pound their most electrifying song.  Highway to Hell also rocks, and was an important part of my youth.  I love passion.  It is what most people lack, and what all of us are seeking.  It makes us all feel alive!  I am passionate about making the Funk Freedom Press your GO TO source for weird important news and commentary.   Unfortunately I am no Joyce Coffey.  This New Hampshire woman (State Motto “Live Free or Die) got arrested 4 times in 26 hours for blasting Highway to Hell.  That’s once every 6 and a half hours.  Not even a full work day.  Not cited, not ticketed, not warned ARRESTED!  Brought downtown, booked, mugshotted (yes that’s a word), and probably held on bail for a little while.  A very wise judge suggested she use headphones.

Oh and she threw a frying pan at her nephew.  I think we all assumed that part.

*Alt title:  Hit with a frying pan, and into the Hellfire.  Thought that was too long*

Inflation is a B%$#@

by funklord

In Ann Arbor Michigan, a man called the cops because he claims a prostitute raised the agreed price AFTER taking his money.  Instantaneous inflation!  Where was Ben Bernanke on that one?  The police did the right thing and arrested her.  Is not a person’s word their (bail) bond?  The report also goes on to say that the two people told police vastly different stories.  I don’t think he asked for his price to be jacked up…

The Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay and other breaking Simian News

by funklord

Ok, with all this doom and gloom, thank God monkeys are making headlines today.

First of all, this one is hilarious.  A lab tech got caught with his pants down, partying with two escaped monkeys.  What else to you need to know?  I do hope they were at least female.

The second story is about The Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay.  Sounds like a cryptid I know.  Read the article, you will not be disappointed.  The monkey even has a blog and is running for mayor.  Nothing funnier that a monkey eluding capture.  It’s like a 5 year buddy comedy.